Anxiety (Revisited w/ Medication)

I am afraid to write anything down because then I might manifest evils beyond anyone’s control

Anxiety (Revisited w/ Medication) is the sixteenth entry from the book, The Helpless Romantic, by Travis Salguero. This book is a collection of journal entries presented as poems that give you insight into the Author’s struggles with addiction, mental illness, and his journey overcoming them.

Day Zero:

I am afraid to write anything down because then I might manifest evils beyond anyone’s control. Writing it down will not make it go away but make it more real. Fleeting with its own mischievous ways, I feel so stuck. Why can’t I do it? Am I THAT cowardly? To die on my own terms, my own time?

Day One:

I feel too much, it hurts, and even the medicine evolves it into apathetic energy,

I know I need it to care, but I just do not. No. Nope. Not right now.

Come back later when my mania has taken a turn for the better.

Toxicity.

Day Two:

Sloth

Here I am immobile,

Laying here,

Not making a sound,

Not today,

I will wait for another day to finish this thing they call life,

But until then,

I sleep.

Day Seven:

Solace

Endearment

Patience

Care

Love

Amending

Community

Lessen the Lessons

And leave me to my disorganized mess.

Day 12:

Red Hot inferno of flavors beyond your apparatus of knowledge. This pepper was a bad idea. Too spicy? Or too dull of a flavor? I cannot quite put my tongue on it,

Because

It is

Burnt.

Day 14:

Do you ever think about me?

I hope so.

Day 15:

Coffee Stains

All over my stomach lining,

I cannot taper out energy,

Ingest more,

Take more!

Binge on this energy,

Till there is nothing more!

Then, in a spurt of jitters and twitches,

Find out where there is MORE

I WANT MORE

Day 28:

Is my heart supposed to ache like this? It feels like a veteran percussionist. No room to go on, but as stubborn as its owner, does it still beat as it fills irregularly. How? Why must I tolerate the suffering and not say a thing? Shhh…you talk way too much for your own good. It brought you everything that you have ever wanted…but it gave you everything that you did not, too.

Day 104:

I want to die; do I need a reason as to why?

It feels so rhetorical at this point. So many reasons, rarely ever voiced. Sometimes involuntary as if were coerced. Reasons be null, and invalid, void of any actual comprehension, running rampant until they cease to exist anymore.

Day 355:

Grocery list:

Eggs

Milk

Hope

With a hint of sanity and/or the will to live

Day 428:

Note to Self:

Next time, just do it.

It will make you feel better.

Day 579:

Memory served as an eviction notice,

Please evacuate any meaningful prosperities or hauntings that you have provided and leave details on why you wish to part with this memory, wonderful or not. Any feedback will be logged and put into the database.

Day 665:

Memories, your time is up.

Sorry, but most of you cannot make the cut.

Hard to say why you need this notice. Bittersweet is your favorite flavor.

Here I am to do you and I exceedingly more than a favor.

Day 764:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words,

BUT

One look can drive a million daggers into your soul.

Day 889:

Somewhere in the forgotten lands underneath my bedroom’s cracks and crannies, how else could I remind myself where my mind was hidden? Waiting for something, anything, extraordinary, but all around me did it exist, blinded by the stress of mortality and hardships.

Day 1055:

HEY!

Ask someone about their day,

You never know

How much they NEEDED that.

Day 1146:

It is so nice to have you around,

And it is terrible to see you go,

I will follow too,

If you let me. Me. Me. Me…

I commit to only positive things, but it is necessary to have a negative charge to power a battery.

How ironic is the world when you can compare a battery,

to love?

Day 1236:

Hope

Things are not so bad. The ceiling is not so dull,

Things are so vibrant and interesting again,

How did I obtain it again?

Thank my lucky stars for my renewed love in life again.

Thank you as well, R. For you have given me hope.

Again.

Day 1374:

My vision is not blurred anymore; my sights clearly set on you. Precision points past perspectives of lost loves to know I am found once again. Astounded to feel full once more and not a shell of a man. Autumn leaves fall around us as I kiss you for an infinite time.

How these daydreams of mine will become reality.

Day 2190:

Thank you for continuing to heal. Medication has finally been taking effect and apathy has turned

into full empathy once more. Reading back on this old poem reminds me of how much has changed over the last six years:

Stagnant, immobile, converted from kinetic energy,

Of a long day’s work. Lay your head in comfort, with twelve hours gone with only sweat dried upon your brow and blistered hands, can it ever feel more comforting than this?

What could happen next week?

I NEED a vacation.

Day 2920:

You are currently residing in a place that you personally longed for, with years and years of waiting instead of acting on the confidence and experience that was inside of your soul. I love you for continuing your life regardless of it was harder every day to get out of bed. You chose to rot for the longest time and over time the difference was awful. 2,000 whole days later, and I recognize you again. I want you to read the next poem and tell me about the convictions in your soul, are they the same as they were all those years before?

Funny, how I can see bits and pieces of you through your work. Here is another that makes me smile to this day knowing how you genuinely care for another person.

Sending mixed smoked signals but assuring me everything is okay,

I trust you.

Please don’t disobey your feelings.

Do not deny your love another chance at fulfillment.

Remember who you are, and what your purpose is on this Earth.

Journaling your thoughts was one thing, now putting action onto those words will be the next exciting step into freedom that your wildest dreams have never fathomed.

Anxiety - Companion Album

Anxiety resources in Sioux Falls, SD, include numerous counseling centers like MWI Health and Avera Behavioral Health, support groups through organizations such as NAMI South Dakota and Empire Mental Health Support, and crisis support via the 9-8-8 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. For immediate, urgent psychiatric help, Avera Behavioral Health Hospital offers 24-hour access, while several other clinics provide outpatient and specialized services.