Killua Zoldyck ‘21
Breaking through the creative stonewall
Killua Zoldyck from Hunter X Hunter. I drew this piece back in November of 2021. This drawing holds a special place in my heart.
It was a breakthrough for me with my creativity. It’s when I started to finally see the visions I’ve had in my head, alongside the passion I hold in my heart, take form before my very eyes.
I was born into a family of all unique, highly creative people. My mom, dad, grandpa, brothers, etc. And I was no exception to the creative blood. Making art, music and being creative was something that came to me naturally. It was never something I would think about wanting to do or be. Because I already did and was those things. I would do those things without hesitation or judgement. I did it because it made me happy.
I did it because that’s what made me, me.
My parents saw that in me, and they nurtured it. They raised me to be my own individual. To freely and creatively express myself. To think for myself. I am eternally grateful to my parents for this. But, somehow, there was always this lingering, underlying feeling that I was never good enough. That I actually couldn’t do all those things I’ve always done.
I spent my entire life trying various styles and mediums of art. All in the hopes that I would finally discover what suited me. What worked for me. What felt like me. I would try and practice new things with the intention of bettering myself and mastering my craft. Always doing my best to keep in mind that to get to where I need to be with my art, I have to start from square one. Nothing worth while comes easy.
However, that attitude and mindset started to get dangerously skewed. I started to grow disappointed in everything I was creating. Nothing I was creating was coming out how I wanted it to. I would start to work on a piece and purely be focused on what the end result would be. But it would never come out that way. It would never come out how I wanted it to. This led me to disdain myself as an artist.
I forgot the process.
I forgot the purpose behind why I was doing what I was doing. I started to hate drawing. I forced myself to quit art. Breaking my own heart and soul in the process. I told and convinced myself that I would never be able to get my soul out on a piece of paper. That I didn’t have any type of talent. That I’ve been faking it my whole life and I only do it for attention. And I actually started to believe this lie. I had come to terms with and accepted my new identity. A poser and a fraud.
But the thing is, you can only lie and cover something up for so long before the truth comes to surface.
So, time went on. As it did, I could feel this pressure building in my soul. I was literally at war with my own mind. It felt like every fiber of my being was screaming bloody murder. I felt like I was dying. Because I was. I was killing my heart, and wondered why I felt hate. I was killing my soul, and wondered why I felt no purpose. I was killing my beauty, and wondered why I felt ugly. And it was me who was doing it to myself. Not anybody else. I was the one who was responsible for the torment and fucking hell I was living in. And I was fucking exhausted.
I finally pushed myself to the limit. This false, destructive self image has to cease to exist. Or I will cease to exist. I have to start drawing again to save my life.
This Killua drawing was my soul crying to get out. It was the start of me letting go of what I think I should be, and just being what I am. This is me doing the things I was too scared to try. Because I thought, why try and fail when I can not try at all and avoid all failure? But not trying at all is the biggest failure. With trying, you can always improve next time. But if you don’t try at all, there will never be any chance to improve.
This was the realization that I had a few years back; around the time I did my Killua drawing. Nobody was going to make me do it. Nobody was going to make me good at drawing. Nobody was going to create the art I wanted to see. Nobody was going to make me feel that security and wholeness I feel after finishing a drawing.
But… I can do all that.
In all honesty, my relationship with art and creativity is still recovering. But I’m slowly getting to the point where I’m enjoying it again. I’m not trying to confine myself in a box like how I was.
You can follow Sarah at her instagram, @buticantsleepdude.
Love Hunter x Hunter! Also JoJo