A Letter Unsent

Is that the mirage you painted for my mother?

Father?

OH, FATHER.

Good lord no matter how many prayers can be said to save your soul. The prayer will remain unanswered. I cannot believe you could have taken my mother’s love for granted so often.

Infidel.

HOW COULD YOU?!

For six days a week you disappeared, and to think it was not all for work. You hid in the shadows as you threw together your dirty deeds and laid with another.

FOR YEARS…HOW DARE YOU?!

You can tear my emotions apart, but my mother? What has she ever done to deserve this?!

Every single time I try to open my mind to forgive you, you give me every reason not to. The shadows you left into the depths of her mind have become overcrowded with elongated purgatory that she had to ask God for relief. I remember those tears you wept when you told the whole family that we had siblings that were adults.

Why was I not surprised?

I have felt like I have known you my entire life differently than any of my brothers. Like how you saw through me, I looked right through you while you barked that I will not break eye contact with you.

The lies and secrets pouring out of your pupils. I could hear your insecurities whisper out to me every time you scold me for unrelated things.

Was I not great like your other son? Your daughter?

Within all these expectations and reality checks, you molded me into an insecure codependence that had wrecked every relationship that I had ever been in.

Is that mirage you painted for my mother?

I will miss the father that I used to know and maybe one day he will return,

But until then I grieve the loss of a father…

Before he will ever pass away.

Truly,

Your “son”

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For family trauma in Sioux Falls, contact the Helpline Center at 211 for referrals to various services including counseling, advocacy, and support groups. You can also find resources at the Children's Home Society of South Dakota's Child and Family Advocates, The Compass Center for sexual assault and domestic violence survivors, and through behavioral health providers like Sanford Health, Avera Behavioral Health, and Southeastern Behavioral HealthCare.

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